Dos and Donts: ASD parents

As you may have read in my previous post, this is my eldest son, James. He is 5 years old now, and was diagnosed as Autistic when he was 3.5 years old. We learn from him, from both of our boys, every day.

I realise most people are well meaning when they say things to parents of autistic kids, but some things often leave them hurt.

I read loads of blogs and belong to just about every Facebook group available when it comes to Autism and ADHD - as a means of hearing from Autistic adults, hearing from other parents and their difficulties, and learning as we go along.

Hearing from parents in a similar situation as yourself helps to know that you're not alone. And its OK to have good days and bad days alike.

Through this I have learned the following:

DON'T tell them - "God wouldn't give this to you to handle if he thought you couldn't handle it". Why? Because even for those that are religious (never assume) there are days that you feel you can't handle it. I realise it comes from a space of love, and possibly some sort of respect for what they're doing - but don't. It makes it even worse for them feeling they can't handle it some days. Like they're letting God down.

DON'T compare. Things like "boys will be boys" - "that's what its like having children" - or the "I completely understand". You don't. You also don't understand at all until you're in the same position, and because the autism spectrum is so vast - I can't understand how many parents of autistic kids are feeling because their child could have difficulties we have not faced before/yet.

DON'T say things like "But he doesn't LOOK autistic?" Or "But he looks normal?". He is, he wrnt through various tests. We are with him daily. Bring autistic doesn't mean looking any different to any other kid. Autistic kids process things differently.

DON'T stop inviting them. They may never come. They may feel too bad to come, but invite them anyway. It means a lot.

DON'T give scornful looks or harsh words to any parents with small kids, whether they're autistic or not - its not your job to discipline others' kids. Remember there is no sign saying it. There was a time that we didn't know James is autistic - and when people learn of his diagnosis - they are more understanding. But - what about the times before that? What if you were rude to them before? Its hard to forget things like that with regards to your children, that I can promise you. I have been left in tears a good few times because of this.

DON'T say things like "maybe he just needs some discipline. In my day...". If you say that, its best you run.

Run hard, run fast, run far.

I can't be held responsible for my actions if you say that. We have tried all the discipline methods.

All. Of. Them.

You can't hit it out of them. 

DON'T say "He'll eat when he's hungry".

For children with sensory issues, they will often rather starve themselves than eat what you're wanting to force them to eat. If your child refused to eat food for 3 days, would you let it continue? We do try to introduce new foods often. Promise.

DO listen when they need an ear. It's hard sometimes - and often all they need is someone to talk to. Just listen.

DO offer to look after the kid/s some time. They need the alone time. Will they take you up on that offer? Probably not. Maybe they will...but offer anyway. It means a lot.

DO visit. Even if they don't accept invitations, its often because life is manageable at home, and the fear of your possessions being broken isn't there.

This list may grow as time goes on.

As we all learn and grow as a family.

As we learn from James.

Love and Light. ❤